Natural Science Forum / Physics / Particle Physics / November 2005

Fascinating...

Breakthrough Physics in Kansas
Kansas City, KS.
   
    The state of Kansas is worried about becoming the laughing stock of
the United States of America because of the adoption of "Intelligent
Design" in the public schools.  However, residents of Kansas have little
to worry about.  The Science implied by Intelligent Design has paved the
way to astonishing scientific breakthroughs in the state.  In an
unexpected twist, the new discoveries are being made by clergy and other
people of faith, rather than research scientists.

    Excited researchers are flocking to the state to take advantage of
the state's looser interpretation of science, which has facilitated many
of the new discoveries.  Indeed, Kansas has become a hotbed of new
research in the physical sciences.  

    Among the new discoveries:  What goes up does not necessarily come
down!  It turns out that gravity is only explained by theory, which is
not fact.  Clerical researchers in Kansas are hot on the heals of an
anti-gravity device.  "You just have to have faith that it will work,"
claimed one exuberant Reverend.  "Obviously, the so called 'scientists'
have got it all wrong, because I don't believe them."  He continued to
pray fervently that his car would start to levitate.

    Yet another prediction says that the speed of light is not
absolute.  It turns out that the speed of light as an absolute is merely
a prediction of Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  All over the state, men
of the cloth are gathering to discuss a new "theory of everything" that
will explain the cosmos in a more easily understood fashion than Special
Relativity.  "Think about it," said Reverend Roger Butte, "The idea that
space is warped is just silly."

       Sally Yass, a local high school teacher, said that "Einstein's
Theory of Relativity is a THEORY, it isn't fact.  I always said he was
wrong, and now we have proof.  If it's not a fact, then what is it?  It's
speculation, and that's all.  It's wrong to teach our kids as if this
stuff is true."

    Most exciting of all, world-shaking science is coming out of the
revelation that the crown jewel of physics, Quantum Electrodynamics, is
only another theory.  The discoveries that follow from this amazing fact
are mind blowing.  It turns out that anything at all is possible in the
world.  One merely has to profess faith in any fantasy at all, and it
will be science!  

    Kansas is now excited to be teaching a new breed of scientist; one
that will be capable of rapid-fire discoveries and explanations for how
the world works, with no need to bother with so-called scientific
methods.  "The Scientific Method is dead," proclaimed Father P.  He
declined to be identified for fear that he would be stalked, rock-star
like, for his theories about the moon and green cheese.  "There's no need
to waste time actually making sure that ideas do not conflict with
reality, because reality is what we believe, not what we prove."

    The medical community in Kansas is also buzzing with excitement
over the new scientific method elaborated by Intelligent Design.  It
turns out that contemporary researchers don't actually understand biology
in great detail.  Much of it is just theory.  
    One man of the cloth who happens to be a fan of the movie "Star
Wars" was ecstatic to begin believing that "midi-chlorians" actually
exist, and therefore, the Force exists, "Q.E.D.," he said with a smug
expression.  "Scientists can't prove they don't exist, so obviously they
do."

    Scientific men of God are coming out of the woodwork in Kansas.  
They soon expect to have a cure for all hereditary diseases, because
"scientists" don't understand DNA like they do.  
"All we have to do is turn their so-called science around on them," said
Myron P. Fobernickle of the Church of People That Don't Believe Science
Exists, "We just point out that they don't know everything, and Bingo!
It's obvious they don't understand how anything works."

    Father P. enthusiastically pointed out that the new method of
science will save the state a great deal of time and money.  Traditional
science classes can be completely tossed out at every grade level,
because it's just a bunch of theory, not fact.  "We can then use the
money saved to build more churches, thus furthering the cause of faith-
based science" he boasted.

    In nearby Topeka, Reverend J. Haskell tinkers in his garage with a
perpetual motion machine.  "I expect to have it working soon.  Once I
realized that the laws of thermodynamics are really just theory, I knew
that it was possible to make my device. I have no idea why the scientists
claim it can't be done.  It's obvious that it can, because it's not fact.  
I have faith that it can be done."

    Because of the advent of Religion Science in Kansas, we should soon
live in a world where anything is possible.  All you need in order to get
started is a healthy failure to understand science, the scientific
method, and logic.  Just choose any so-called theory, deny it on the
grounds that you don't understand it, and soon you'll be making earth
shattering discoveries.

    I, for one, am glad that I do not live in Kansas, and that is a
fact.